Help Me.

These are the words I uttered as I sat on my bedroom floor, folding my laundry and wondering what my purpose is.

Help me.

This is the thought I had as I realized I was lost, once again, in the sea of my mind’s expectations and desires.

Help. Me.

This feeling isn’t new, or strange, or foreign.

Help me.

That moment when I, the awareness of my mind and my soul, realize how out of alignment I am. Out of alignment with my truth, with my purpose, with my life. When the feelings of dissatisfaction and frustration and fear seem to eat me up alive. It’s strange, how often this feeling comes, and how quickly it goes away.

Because I know, at the end of the day, all I have to do is reconnect the wires.

In January, I was sitting on a park bench, feeling this all too familiar feeling, when suddenly an image comes into my mind. It was me, but the inside of me, the energetic blueprint. I saw my brain at the top of my body and my soul inside my belly. But between the two was a light, a spark, a presence.

I knew that presence was me. But there was something wrong. The energetic wires that were supposed to be connecting brain to presence to soul were disconnected. Instead of forming a straight line, they spewed out to the sides like antlers, sending their energy out, out, out.

As I sat on that park bench, the answer to this feeling seemed so clear: reconnect the wires. I watched as the wires moved, as my presence, my awareness, my spark magnetically attracted the energy of my mind and the energy of my soul until they once again formed a straight line.

The moment those wires reconnected, the feeling was gone.

So, as I sit on my bedroom floor, folding my laundry and yelling at the Universe, the answer comes again.

Reconnect the wires.

I wait for the relief, for waves of calm to come over me. But they don’t come.

Instead, my mind returns to its clamoring. ‘But you need to write a book, have thousands of followers and readers, travel, write, teach, run a business, be successful.’

I can almost feel my energetic arteries clogging as my mind continues its monologue.

A monologue about how I am unworthy, how I am not enough, how life isn’t supposed to be easy and that I cannot be successful until I have changed the world.

I know its ramblings are only trying to protect me, but they touch a nerve nonetheless.

You aren’t good enough, you need to work harder, you either need to change the world or fall into a job that you hate. This is how the world works. Don’t go outside of your box, don’t push the boundaries, don’t wait for the possibilities. You will only get hurt.

If you aren’t perfect, you will get left behind.

It’s better to follow the crowd than to get let behind.

Ah, there it is. The springtime of my discontent, the battle cry of my subconscious mind.

You will get left behind.

Where did this fear come from, I wonder?

Did it come when my brother ran away from home when I was 16? Or was it when my parents got divorced, or when I got dropped of at school for the first time? Perhaps it came when I was dancing, and none of the other girls liked me?

As my mind offers up all the reasons for why this fear took hold, the Universe whispers, ‘Reconnect the wires.’

I think about all the things I want to do. All the possible passions I could pursue, and my mind continues to offer up all the ways I will get left behind, when I inevitably break free of my box.

I realize, sitting on my bedroom floor, that I do not know who I am, or what I am supposed to do, or how to get there. Instead, I realize that through this journey of self-discovery I have not found myself; I have simply chipped away at the illusion my mind calls ‘me’.

I tell the Universe all of this as I rant and rave and cry and realize all of my deepest fears as they bubble to the surface. Reduced to tears, I mourn the loss of the illusion called ‘me’, trampled by fear and crippled with doubt.

I say to the Universe, ‘Help Me.’

And the Universe whispers back, ‘Reconnect the wires.’

So, I say, with all the strength and confusion and doubt I can muster, ‘How?’

And the Universe replies, ‘Write.’

So here I am, sitting, not on my bedroom floor, but in a comfy armchair, surrounded by my family, writing. Here I am, exchanging sign-language I Love You’s and air kisses with my little sister, as I write about the truth of what self-discovery looks like.

Here I am, writing out my deepest fear, telling the Universe, ‘Don’t leave me behind.’

And here I am, feeling the fire in my heart that represents the true me, not the illusion of me, hoping that my awareness is enough to reconnect the wires.

I whisper to the Universe, ‘Help me.’

And the Universe whispers back, ‘Write.’

This post is not meant to discourage, distract, or disturb. Instead, this post is meant to reveal the truth of who I am. It is not my goal to only share the light, but to ensure that the truth of the journey is shared. To show you that, even in the depths of your journey, you are never alone. To explain that even spiritual, conscious, or positive people have their darker moments.

This post is not meant to discourage distract, or disturb. Instead, this post is meant to share both the light and the dark. To describe the struggles, so that the Universe’s answers are made all the more magical. There is beauty in the darkness, and wonder in the light.

Thank you for reading, sweet friend. Remember, you are never alone.